Cherry Blossom Diaries: Kazushi's Obsession

Dear CBD,

I love your publication, Ms. Douzan. Please publish my letter! I know most of the submissions to your magazine come from women... That is why I love it so... Everything you publish is so vividly described! I don't believe a word of what they write, all of this superstitious, supernatural garbage... But there's always a sexual component to it every time. You women... You make people like me out to be sick, disgusting perverts. But what are you? You're no more innocent than I. You walk around with your bodies half exposed, yet you mock men when we look! Which is it, Ms. Douzan?! I bet you're just as bad, another disgusting weed parading yourself as a gentle flower!

But... She wasn't one of you... What have I done? My lust, my obsession with her beauty and her innocence, everything about her... It overcame me.

I won't tell some bitch in the media like yourself her lovely name. I won't let you make money or get famous with my story! I'm just some poor fisherman's son and she was a woman of standing. I walked by her home on the way to the docks for years. Not some westernized piece of shit, very traditional, old Japanese styling. It was almost castle-like. I saw her for the first time when I was 14. I didn't think much of her at first glance, just some girl in a kimono.

It was summer and I'd been working with my father for shit pay. I'd seen her with her mother buying fish while unloading our own catch. Like I said, I didn't think much of it at the time. The only thought I did have is as to why such gentle looking women were willingly surrounding themselves with smelly fisherman.

That night, lying in bed, she popped into my mind. In an instant, I wanted her. Her done up black hair, decorated with flowers, that soft blue kimono and purple sash, her adorable face. What was she like? I didn't learn that it was she who lived in the castle until later, so I wondered where she lived, what were her favorite things? How great would it be to fuck someone so beautiful?

My dad was divorced, another "pervert" as you bitches would say. He drove my mother away by fucking around on her with teenagers. Despite this, he didn't like me being into women at my age. All throughout my teen years he would talk shit to me every time he found a picture or if I made a comment. "They just want your money! You don't even make any!" The internet was my refuge.

I could say whatever I wanted to them, look at them doing everything imaginable. Then my thoughts shifted to her doing these things I was seeing. I'd seen her a few times more after the first time, once becoming so entranced that another of our boat crew kicked me in the ass and made me fall in the water. I started following her every chance I got. We don't have a lot in our town, but I loved watching her do anything. Then I started following her home to her castle. At first I just watched her disappear up the long road, but then I started becoming more brazen. A little more each time, then I started ending up on the grounds of the home. Danger is a tempting mistress, I was getting thrills I didn't know could be felt. What could I do? I was addicted.

I'd noticed a man-made hot spring on the property on one of my first visits there. The thought of her bathing, seeing a fantasy come to life was too enticing. It took forever for it to happen, I'd been going there with this purpose alone for nearly a month, but nothing. I almost threw it away in frustration by yelling "Just come out and do it!!" one evening. Luckily I was not heard.

I saw her eventually. Hidden in a bush not far from the spring, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She was perfect in every way, a real girl in the bare flesh! Not some photoshopped slut on the internet. I couldn't contain myself watching this, I masturbated twice while watching her. But now that I'd accomplished this, what else was left but to feel her soft, silken skin?

An 18 year old virgin with no friends, stuck in some stupid old fishing town. We'd run away. Yes. Make a break for Tokyo and I could work for a real fishing company and give her a nice life. She must have something she needs to escape from, some inner turmoil or family issue. Who would want to stay here even if she didn't? She would understand.

That brings me to now, Ms. Douzan. I broke into her house tonight, her family was away. I startled her, Ms. Douzan. She screamed and tried to run away. When I caught her, she looked at me and said "YOU!" How did she know? Apparently this fairytale castle is equipped with security cameras... She called me a stalker, a fucking pervert, told me I made her skin crawl and said that I'd better kill her if I attacked her, otherwise she'd kill me. I tried telling her that I didn't want to hurt her, that I loved her! She came at me and it all ended so quickly, Ms. Douzan...

I just dodged her charge, my hands grazed her back, but that was all! She fell over a banister and landed head first. The sound was disgusting. I didn't murder her in the traditional sense, but I know what I've done... I took my prize, I don't fucking care what you or anyone think of that. I'm fucking dead anyway, I have been since she perished. The dead can't "rape" the dead. Where am I now? Watching television with my new family. My beautiful wife and mom and dad in law. Dad's got a closeup view of the TV, his head just sits there all day. Mom likes me too, she cheated on dad. You fucking whores...

Good day, Ms. Douzan. I bought a huge stack of your magazines online. The wife and I are avid bedtime readers.

Kazushi

Update on my condition

Went to the doctor's office this afternoon and he's pleased with the healing and progress I've made since the surgery. I've got a long way to go before I'm 100%, but I do feel a bit better than even just a week ago. Still lots of pain and I'm not even close to being fully mobile, but I was told to try and use the cane more than the walker, which I've been doing anyway. I also got my morphine cut down, but I have plenty left and a new script at a lower dose.

Not sure if anyone saw, but I complained about that bitch visiting nurse and I got a new one. Her name is Kate and she's much nicer and more understanding. She's also younger and wears low neck tops, so I look at her cute little boobies when she bends over. I've been hanging around with this damn hamster too long... XD

Still doing PT as well and I'm going tomorrow instead of Wednesday because my little man will be here that day! w00t! :333333

Rei~

No Offense

I'm not glorifying what happened at that church in South Carolina, don't anybody take it that way, please. But I'm really sick and fucking tired of this extermination mentallity that goes into effect every time something bad happens.

I hate the south, I hate religious zealots, white supremacists, and most rednecks in general. I don't believe in what that flag stands for (and it has nothing to do with southern pride, sorry) and I am totally for it being removed from state land.

What I don't agree with is this fucking scrubbing it out from EVERYTHING in society. Apple removed games containing it from their app store, they're trying to get rid of Gone With The Wind, and one of the actors from The Dukes of Hazard is about to lose a good chunk of his business selling models of The General Lee. I'm sure there's plenty more, too.

It's pathetic that it took so many people dying to get it off of the SC state land. It's sad that it takes a tragedy of epic proportions to wake Americans up to almost everything... But this is ridiculous and none of it is being done with good intentions or out of sympathy. It's all corporate fear. Fear of lawsuits, boycotts and lost revenue. They don't care about people dying or social issues, just dollar signs.

If you wanna fly your flag, they can't stop you, no matter how stupid it is. This country and this culture are too sensitive to everything. Everyone wants peace and unity, but it just creates more division. Look at the state of politics right now. The liberals, the conservatives, the faithbased, the straights, the gays, blacks, whites, Donald fucking Trump! You're not uniting any of them and the media feeds the division even more, they depend on it to survive.

North and South seems much simpler, doesn't it? Eh heh.

Rei~

Changes...

I've done yet more cosmetic surgery to the blog. The left side now features Howard Beale's speech/rant from the 1976 film, Network, in its entirety. That really fucking moved me from the first time I heard it and I find it to still be a perfect reflection on today's society. The great thing is that people ARE getting mad, finally. Also, Lace and Darling's pictures have been changed and you have new titles. I kept the descriptions as they were, though. Sorry mom, you've been axed for space purposes. Hell cut my budget. Downsizing is a bitch... Love you! ^^;

Right side now has a Pentagram Processor logo (It runs the blog) and I've updated the Petting Zoo to include Haku and changed Juliet's picture.

Changed my profile pic again, too. What else is new? XD

Rei~

THIS!

You don't know how many fucking times this has happened! Well, you probably do, because it seems to happen to lots of people. Does it happen to you? 

And speaking of sleep, I've not been getting a whole lot lately... I've been staying up until 5:30-6:00 in the morning, sleeping a few hours and taking cat naps (with cats) during the day. Nothing particularly horrible is causing it, pain and the fact that my baby will be here on Wednesday. :3333 

Rei~

Mako - Buried With The Light

Mako used to be in a band called "deadman" that was fairly popular. He wrote this song and had Közi (MALICE MIZER) sing the English parts while he did the Japanese bits. The video above is fanmade, using clips from deadman's PV's. The song is mostly in English and the lyrics can be found HERE

Oh, it's fucking beautiful, too... ;)

Rei~

Blutengel - Lucifer (Live) ~For us DAMAGED girls~

This is for Lace, Darling, myself and anyone else who has been emotionally damaged in this fucking life. Embrace the dark, ladies! :3



Rei~

Fish Rocket and Friends

This is Fish Rocket. She's a fish who turns into a rocket and her friends are underwater satellites. 

Yeah.

Rei~

Rei's CD Photos Part 1

As I'm sure you know, music is an enormous part of my life and I collect CD's like there's no tomorrow. A lot of what I listen to isn't very popular and photos/scans of the booklets etc are hard to find. Being that I'm so limited on what I can do right now, I've started photographing some of this stuff. ^^ Feel free to take, save, use them as you see fit, they're just pictures. I'm not gonna be a Nazi about it like some people. Just please upload them to your own hosting is all I ask.
                                 
                            REMNANT - Fragments of the dark (CD + Story booklet)

Blue Birds Refuse To Fly - Xenomorph Angel

CD

Band pic (beneath disc). That's the only photo anywhere on the album. The book is just lyrics.

BLOOD - SPLEEN ~Despair~ (Booklet)

There are one or two I didn't include.

Some random ones:

HimemaniK - Ruler (Beneath disc)

Sopor Aeternus - Have You Seen This Ghost? (Booklet)

Blutengel - Monument (Booklet)

Kaya - Queen (Booklet)

Click to enlarge und enjoy! :3

Rei~

Whoa, I drew something!

Snake Birthday.

Yeah, I dunno...

Rei~

Flood of Rain - Submission Lyrics

Flood of Rain - Submission (2012)

Lyrics written & performed by GPK

Music: Adrian (A.D. Millennium) Windsor


City of light
Filled with unfolded dream
And everlasting desire

I'm paralyzed
The signs of these vanity
And illusions of our pride

Let us rejoice
And praise all he wonderously
Have brought

Let us live
And let thee sheds all salvation
Slip away

Save me from this destiny
My empty body
Is all I could give

Save me from this tragedy
I'll never be a lonely self

City of light
Filled with the colors of disguise
I'm petrified
The sound of this tragedies
And lies

Save me from this destiny
My empty body
Is all I could give

Save me from this tragedy
I'll never be a lonely self

-----------------------------------------------

This is MY transcription of this song. The only real iffy parts are the last two lines before the chorus repeats. Of course, if you know something I don't, I welcome corrections! ^^ Oddly, this song has VANISHED from the net... I found one video link to some Russian Tube site, but that's on you if you wanna go there... Eh heh. I have it, Lace has it and Darling has it, so that's what matters to me. :3

Rei~

Ohhhh! THESE are those sock, stocking things?

Yes, all mine... >.>

Rei~

The Horrors of Catnip Addiction

Talk to your cat about catnip before it's too late.

Or...don't and just laugh your ass off.

And this has nothing to do with catnip or cats, but...

Happy Monday, pplz! :3

Rei~

Things need to change...

This past Wednesday one of our local TV stations, WCVB, did a day of programming based on the opioid crisis in this state. There were some alarming statistics in some of the pieces, but the one that stood out most to me was that there are less than a thousand beds available for addicts statewide.

How are we to combat this problem if there's no treatment? Those fortunate enough to get a bed are lucky to get a week of inpatient treatment and follow-up care. That's not enough. You can't just detox someone and put them back out there with all that temptation.

And I'm not saying to decriminalize opioids, but we've got to stop jailing people for small-time possession of narcotics. Putting someone in jail for using is a waste of taxpayer money and do they realize how many people use inside? Not to mention, you're putting them in with dealers and people who have connections so when they get out, they have MORE people to turn to in order to get high.

This state is a joke on this and so many other fronts that help feed it. There's so little to help the mentally ill, the homeless and it seems as though they keep stacking the deck against all of this higher and higher every year. This problem has reached critical mass and nobody wants to do anything about it...

Also, the companies who make the lifesaving drug Narcan, which reverses an overdose and has saved MY life, have increased the cost of the drug to $40 a dose, an increase of over 100% that has dwindled the supply...

States like Washington and Oregon have the model in place. They are leading the way in state-funded rehab and treatment. What the fuck has to happen HERE before we do the same?

The "War On Drugs" is and always has been a fucking lie...

Rei~

A quick Rei Recipe!

When I was on my own with very little last year, I had to get creative with food sometimes. I came up with this while trying to find things I could use more than once and for cheap...

Pizza Tortilla Chips:

Tostitos (Or Doritos if you prefer)

Pizza Sauce

Shredded Cheese (I use mozzarella)

Toppings optional

Microwave on a paper plate 2-3 minutes

Enjoy!

These things are SO addicting and none of it is particularly bad for you. There's not even that much grease. ^^ I've got Bunny Girl hooked on them now! Hehe. *Goes back to "sharing" some*

Rei~

The Visiting Nurse from Hell

I can't stand this fucking woman... Day after day of this annoying old bitch with her annoying, ear-splitting voice and her down syndrome laugh. Ugh. I know she means well and she's here to help, but she's so pushy and has no sense of humor. I sit here for like a half hour before she comes and hope against hope that her car explodes...

I take too many pills, I don't exercise enough, why is that dog hiding under the bed? She comes here to help me with my mobility and to check my vitals, med situation, and helps me if I need to bathe when Lace isn't here... Yeah, it sucks. *Sigh*

She's gotta be in her mid-fifties at least and she's slow as molasses. She keeps telling me that I've gotta start becoming more independent and move around the house more. That's a nice idea, but if I could do that, I wouldn't NEED her! It also contradicts the doctor's orders... She's also one of those types that doesn't like the fact that I'm on disability. She keeps telling me to volunteer or work part-time somewhere.

Two more weeks of her bullshit... Wheeee!

Rei~

Frustration...

I've got a lot going on with my physical health, as you know. It's been very hard for me since I got home from the hospital and I've been dealing with frequent depression that only makes my pain worse. I'm glued to things like video games and music because they do the most to keep my mind occupied for extended periods.

I had a huge spat with Crystal tonight and she's gone from our home. She took MJ and ran to her mom's house, which I figured she would. I feel bad for the little guy, he didn't do anything to cause this. For days now, and even prior to my surgery, I have been asking her to please help out more. And it has nothing to do with money.

She was doing an awesome job of cooking and cleaning, all that at first. Then it just stopped... Lacey is helping keep a fucking roof over her head. Why does she have to pick up after her and her kid after work? Why do Lacey or my mom have to miss work to take me to an appointment when she's got a car that I'm putting gas in? That's what started it tonight, just asked for a ride.

Then my mom calls me all pissed off that I threw her out and starts giving me the third degree about "abusing my pills." That fucking cunt told her all these lies about how many pills I take a day and that I steal Lace's pills and I'm buying them from people... Really, Crystal? You're welcome for everything... *Sigh*

I can't deal with this type of shit right now. I have MORE than enough of my own drugs right now and you're goddamn fucking right I take extra... My spine is partially held together by metal! I DO NOT however take as much as this bitch told her I did.

Say what you want to who you want, I don't fucking care anymore. See if I answer my phone when your next loser uses you as a punching bag. I swear, if anything happens to that little boy or you put him in a situation like that again, I'll make your life a living hell that I know so very, very well...

Got PT in the morning and Lace is going into work late so she can take me. I've fucking had it with people in my "family" turning on me like this... My mom and I are okay, but I'm still fucking pissed at her for calling me and blowing up like she did...

GutenNacht...

Rei~

Hell just froze over...

I don't usually pay much attention to E3. So much of what is announced is a tease and winds up delayed or whatever. But! I could not ignore all the Shenmue 3 stuff in my Twitter feed any longer.

For those who don't know what Shenmue is, it was a pioneer in open-world gaming created by Yu Suzuki (Virtua Fighter, just about every great Sega arcade game) and Sega's AM2 dev team. It follows the story of Ryo Hazuki as he searches for a Chinese cartel boss who killed his father right in front of him. The first game hit the US in 2000 for the ill-fated Dreamcast and was essentially a commercial flop. Just as the second installment was about to come out on the DC, Sega killed it despite running print ads and promoting the shit out of it. Then the plug was pulled on the DC.

Shenmue 2 was released in Europe (In multiple languages, including English) and Japan and a lot of people imported it. Then in 2002, Sega released the finished game in the US and worldwide on the original Xbox. Again, it didn't sell well, but it gained the series a lot of new followers. Sega would not greenlight the development of the third installment due to the game's poor market performance and huge development costs, though. (It was originally slated as a six part game)

13 years and two console generations later, we have our project in the works. It just set a record on Kickstarter, raising 2 million dollars in a day. Sega would not go ahead with it without the fans footing some of the bill for the development. It is going to be on PS4 and PC (I think) and will be available (hopefully) in 2017. Yes.

My only question in all of this is what are they gonna do to bring the generation+ of gamers that haven't played the first two up to speed? Shenmue 2 on Xbox came with a DVD that had all of the events of the first one as sort of a movie. Hopefully it'll AT LEAST be something similar this time.

Ah, nurse lady is on her way... Where is my gun?

Rei~

Happy Birthday, Timothy!

My baby is 10 years old today! :3 I feel ancient at the thought that it's been that many years already... Lace and I both called him this morning to wish him a happy b-day and he enjoyed his presents we sent him. I'm so excited for his visit in a few weeks! Even though I'm incredibly limited in what I can do right now, this is just going to make my fucking year. I didn't think this year could possibly get any better, but it keeps improving!

Happy Birthday, baby boy! :3333

His favorite Japanese song:

Couldn't find the album version... This is from the "Heaven to Perfection" DVD.

Rei~

A Spell Re-cast...

So as I mentioned before my surgery, I bought a PS Vita. I got Persona 4 Golden in the mail the same day I came home from the hospital. I had the PS2 version way back in 2010 and it consumed my life for several months. However, I mismanaged my time with the game and spent too much time trying to get Yukiko Amagi to fall in love with me instead of leveling up and you know, playing it the right way... XD

Of course, I'm still smitten with the young lady this time around, but so far I'm trying to do things a little better this go 'round. If only my character weren't male... eh heh. Seriously, though, I am back in love with this game more than ever before. :3

If ever there were an argument for graphics not making a game, this is it. It is virtually  unchanged from the original version in terms of looks, although it does look great on the Vita's screen. Even still, the gameplay is amazing and addictive and there is more content than before.

Those who say that Japanese RPG's are all stereotypical and have stagnated over the years haven't played this. There are elements of those stereotypes, but the characters are unique and there are so many things to do. The way they're done, the presentation, everything still feels fresh!

It's dialogue heavy, but more spoken dialogue has been added to this one. Even when you have to read, it's like a great novel... :3 You must establish and build relationships with people, there is a large “life simulator“ part to the game. If daily life in a game sounds boring, try it. Good luck putting it down... It's not just that, though. It's not just any one thing at all.

P4 Golden, or any version you play, will tug at every emotion you have and keep you enthralled throughout. It is one of the best games I've played in my life and Japanese games are NOT dead, you just have to sort through the trash to find the great ones.

Rei~

Back Home!

Just wanted to let everyone  know that I'm out of the hospital and home recouperating. Yay! Lace is feeling better, too and we had a mini-party type thing when I got back. Nothing crazy, just a couple pizzas and some music with she, mommy and Crystal and the boy.

I probably won't be around a ton for the next week or so, but I wanted to let you darlings know I'm breathing!  I start PT next week, slowly working back to normalcy, whatever that is... XD Lace is gonna be busy this weekend. Janice has been a saint about giving her time off, so she is gonna be helping her out at home and at the office. Between me and Janice, her plate is pretty full. Just didn't want anyone to worry.

Love you all! ^^

Rei~

Last post for a bit...

I'm really trying to take it easy today because yesterday was so hard. I'm trying very hard not to think about everything that can go wrong with the surgery and instead attempting to focus on how much better my life will be afterward. Lace is being a tremendous help with this, as she has been with every other aspect of this whole ordeal.

The panic attacks and severe pain yesterday started after the visiting nurse left the first time and I just called and told her I needed the rest of the day to myself. It's really hard not to worry about this surgery. Not to lessen them, every surgery poses risks, but this is so much different than tonsils or a gallbladder or anything, they are going to be working in an area full of nerves, on the very thing that keeps us upright. You would be scared shitless if you had to sign and read the wavers I did.

The surgery will be long and I fully trust the doctor, there's just that "what if" being placed on an already unstable mind with a diagnosed anxiety disorder. Lacey will be accompanying me to the hospital in the morning, along with my mom and then she'll be going to work. Before anyone gets up in arms about that, it's a LONG PROCEDURE barring any unforeseen complications. She's not the most calm person to begin with and I'd much rather have her mind occupied than stewing around for hours worrying.
I'm going to be so fucking drugged when I come out that I most likely won't realize who's there anyway. I will be spending at least two nights in the hospital and then whether I need to go to a rehabilitation facility will be determined.

Lacey will be emailing and/or texting everyone who needs or wants to know when there is information available. I'm off to spend the rest of today with her now. We're gonna order something for dinner and then whatever else after. Yes, there will be fucking! :3 I'll be back posting as soon as humanly possible, don't you worry! The internet has as much chance of getting rid of me as it does of porn.

Love and hugs to all!

Rei~

A long time coming...

For years I've been trying to get someone to do something about my back problem. MRI's, Injections, Pain meds, physical therapy, nothing worked. Nobody would listen to me or even consider just getting to the route of the problem and doing surgery. Until today.

Lace found me a great doctor who saw how much pain I was in, that I could barely walk or stand and he treated me like a human being. From the moment I walked into that office, I was treated beyond what my insurance policy was. They saw Lace holding me up (which must've looked ridiculous XD) and helping me in and someone got me a wheelchair.

The doctor was in a state of awe and utter shock when I told him how long I'd been walking around like this. Not only in my current state but just with the injury alone. I brought everything Lace and I could get, records, MRIs, etc. He looked at all of them then felt around my back where he noticed the swelling I mentioned last night. Every poke and prod hurt and he apologized each time, then he had to make me do some range of motion tests, which fucking HURT. I have practically no ability to move or bend in any direction.

He was adamant that I needed surgery and he had to explain everything they do and the risks involved, but I agreed to it the second he said "surgery." He offered me steroid injections to hold me over until they could get me in for the procedure (he told the girl in the office to put a rush on it) and even knowing how much they hurt, I took them. They were even more painful this time, but they were necessary and have helped some. I was prescribed Methadone for the pain, Motrin to help with the swelling and Prednasone, which I fucking hate but am being forced to take by Usagi-chan.

In addition, I'm having a visiting nurse come to the house twice a day starting tomorrow to check on my swelling issue, make sure the meds are working and to help me get up and move a bit so I don't get too stiff or anything. The surgery is Monday and yes, I'm very nervous about what is to come. But I'm also ready to put this back issue behind me and do whatever it takes to get better. I will be online in limited spurts, but Lace will be around to update the person who cares. She has been taking very good care of me today, hence her absence from zeh interwebz today.

In all of this, my biggest worry is how to break this to Timothy. I know he's going to want to do this and that and I'm not gonna be able to. He's very good about my physical limitations, but he is still a little boy and doesn't fully understand. I refuse to break his heart and say he can't come. That isn't happening as long as I can still breathe. I'll figure something out.

Ganbaremasu!

Rei~

Independence stolen. By my own fucking body...

I'm sorry that I haven't been around much lately, I'm sure you know why. I'm a prisoner in my own home. Not because of anything anyone is doing to me, but because my body will not allow me to leave. Crystal went grocery shopping today and I heard her pull in. I was on the couch and got up to help her, as did MJ. She pulled into the garage and I was able to bring in a couple bags before my body began to hurt so bad that I felt collapse approaching and got nauseous. I hurried back to the couch where I layed down, ate pills and waited for the worst of it to pass.

A 3 year old was able to bring in more groceries than I could. Crystal left him with me while she went and had to instruct him to behave and just watch TV or play with his toys because "Auntie Rei didn't feel good." She took a little longer than expected and I made him lunch, just a little Kid Cuisine thing that goes in the microwave. It takes about 3 minutes to cook, so I just leaned against the counter and I ended up nearly in tears after giving it to him. Thank god he's no longer in diapers...

My life lately has consisted of video games, watching wrestling, taking pills and eating, lots of eating. I think it's the drugs making me so hungry, but I'm not going to the bathroom much... I've pooped maybe six times since Sunday and while I'm peeing pretty regularly, the stream is inconsistent or there's just not a lot coming out. I know opiates can block you up, but I don't think its ever been this bad.

I've been taking lots of Vicodin, my doctor wrote me a script to take more frequently that Lace picked up and got filled for me. He only did it because I'm going to see the orthopedist tomorrow. Along with that, Lace has been giving me Soma, I have Valium, a little Neurontin, and Janice gave me what she had left for morphine from a knee replacement she had. It's expired but it still works and I've been using it sparingly because there's not a lot. Don't worry, I haven't been taking all of that at the same time or in massive doses. I'm gonna need that morphine for the ride to and from the doctors tomorrow.

I feel so useless lately. Lace works all day and then has to come home and do everything for me. I feel more like her patient than her wife. I know she doesn't mind and that she loves me, but I think everyone likes their independence and would feel the same. She had to take a shower with me tonight and help wash me and hold onto me to make sure I didn't fall down. I know, two hot girls in the shower... There wasn't anything sexy or erotic about it. Sex is almost nonexistent right now and I feel horrible about it. We usually fuck just about every night and I just have no sex drive right now. *Sigh*

Video games are my biggest escape right now. Lace rearranged our whole entertainment center in the bedroom so I'd have easier access to things when she's not here. I have the Wii U and the PS3 in here and I've been playing the shit out of both. She got me Tekken Tag Tournament 2 and Hyrule Warriors for Wii U and Mortal Kombat X for PS4 for when I'm in the living room. I'm still working on Bloodborne on PS4, too, but that game is insanely fucking hard... I ordered a Playstation Vita yesterday, too. I may need to go to video game rehab soon... Eh heh.

As I said, doctors appointment tomorrow, but nothing is gonna change right away. Surgery is probably my only hope at this point and recovery will make this seem like a walk in the park. While we were in the shower, Lace noticed that my back is insanely swollen right in the center (lower spine) above my tail bone. Kinda worried about that...

Back to Hyrule, darlings.

Rei~

No improvement

Still stuck in bed most of the day, nothing new... The weather has been pretty nasty, so I wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway. I love cool, rainy days, but I don't enjoy being out in them quite so much. I've always enjoyed driving in the rain, though, more as a passenger than a driver.

Lace had a horrible day and she's been pretty depressed since coming home. People disgust me, they really do. Just fucking assume and let your perceptions guide you. Fuck getting to know someone or even politely ask them things, just pass judgement on an outward appearance. I like to talk shit about men a lot, but women are far worse in many respects. So many of them are so fucking fake, and it's nothing to do with their physical appearance.

They'll be nice to your face, tell you how amazing you look or whatever. Then they'll go verbally obliterate you to their friends who then turn around and do the same thing, telling someone else about her being such a jealous bitch and who the fuck is she... So much backstabbing, conniving, gossip and vindictiveness. Honestly, I'd rather just be called a cunt and get punched in the teeth.

I explained why Lacey gets treated and looked at the way she does in my comment on her post from today. She doesn't deserve any of this and I'm fucking tired of her and everyone else who attempts to do their own thing and be a little different getting demonized by people who don't understand. And I'm not doing the "Norms are just sheep, d00d" thing here, I'm tired of that shit.

What the fuck is "normal"? Because it's a pretty broad definition to describe about 6 billion people. What Lacey does is her normal, what I do is mine, what anyone reading this does is theirs. I have trouble finding anyone that doesn't have some mental quirk or diagnosed disorder these days. Those that say they don't usually end up shooting up shopping malls.

There is no normal person, there is pack mentality. Those that subscribe to a certain religious doctrine or a music scene, fashion style, etc. They relate to one another, find more likeminded people or convert them. Anyone not like them and that won't convert/conform is not "normal" and must be taken down. The biggest pack rules the roost. The internet has made it all the more worse. And obviously there are exceptions and not everyone is like this, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that this is how shit like what happened to Lacey starts.

Too many people are caught up in hating others for not being like them when they could be getting to know someone great that can open them up to things they didn't know about or understand previously. All you need to look at to see where this REALLY starts is the upper grade levels in our schools. The jocks, the goths, the geeks, the cheerleaders, etc. It's not a fabrication by the media, it exists everywhere. Maybe in different forms and numbers, but there are different groups in every school and the one common thread is that very few of them get along. When I was in school, there were kids who got into physical fights because someone liked metal music and someone liked rap. Somebody said something about one form sucking or whatever and it was war...

I once told a therapist that I'm an atheist and that I believe we are nothing more than another species on this planet, that we're just a highly evolved animal. She was dumbfounded, her jaw literally dropped. But look at what I just told you... Go watch a nature show with pack animals and tell me fucking otherwise.

Rei~