Life Deforming: Asylum Merchandise I'd like to see...

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Asylum Merchandise I'd like to see...

Asylum Underwear.

(Product Description):

Sick of bloomers? That thong riding your ass too tightly? Well, plague rats, we've got what you've been looking for! These babies are big, white and make what fat ass grandma wears look hot! Three sizes: Small, Medium, Large. That doesn't work? Sucks for you.

Asylum Thorazine: Is Victorian England just too damn much? Are you hearing voices and throwing shit on the other Wayward Victorian Girls? Now you don't have to wait for the orderlies to strap you down and stick a needle in your ass! Self-administer with Asylum needles and syringes (sold seperately). Buy today and get a free three pack of Asylum Adult Diapers. (You're gonna need them!)

Asylum Toilet Paper: Here at the Asylum, we offer the finest generic toilet paper money can buy. You'll get shit on your hands, but just wash away the filth and Collera with some Asylum hand sanitizer.

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In case you haven't realized it (you must be taking the Asylum Thorazine), I'm mocking the ridiculous merchandising of Emilie Autumn. Seriously, everything she posts online makes me want to fucking vomit... Go back to your Asylum, EA. Go there and either write an album or stick an Asylum bed sheet(TM) down your fucking throat and suffocate. Me, I'm transferring to Sanatorium Altrosa...

~A~

2 comments:

AdraFebruary 11, 2015 at 11:00 PM
I LOLed at the Asylum products you came up with. Someone should hire you to be a merch description writer, seriously. It's fantastic. ❤️
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Reibun~February 11, 2015 at 11:32 PM
Just drawing from life experience, darling. ;) I've worn the underwear, had the Thorazine shots (and their undesireable side effects) and have had quite a few mishaps with their cheap toilet paper. The bed sheet thing is real, too. That's what you get to keep warm at night. Once, the heat wasn't working and I asked for an extra... They just looked at me like "WUT?!?!" Assholes. Glad I made you laugh! :3

~A~
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Mad As Hell

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the street, and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. And we sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be! We all know things are bad -- worse than bad -- they're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out any more. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we're living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, "Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials, and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone." Well, I'm not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to write to your Congressman, because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first, you've got to get mad. You've gotta say, "I'm a human being, goddammit! My life has value!" So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!!" - Howard Beale "Network"