Sometimes...

I feel useless. So many people tell me that they wish they could stay home all day and get paid for it. First of all, the pay fucking sucks. I'm not gonna say what I get a month, but it's not enough to live on by itself. Lacey makes more in about 2 1/2 weeks. It seems like more than it is, too, because you get it all at once. Before Lacey, I was budgeting next to nothing by the middle of the month...

I envy working people. Sitting home all day gets old pretty fucking quick, I'll tell you. If you think your job is boring and monotonous, try staring at the same walls, doing the same routine and the loneliness of being by yourself every day. I've been doing it since I was 18 (and "getting paid for it" that is.). I'm not just lazy and don't wanna work.

So many people have told me to just suck it up and get a job. They don't understand crippling anxiety or depression. I had a fast food job for a week when I was 16. I've rarely felt so emotionally overwhelmed by anything. Everything they trained me to do came hard. I was terrified of screwing up at every turn. It was busy when I was being trained to cook and the manager was a bit impatient, I broke down and cried. It was all horrible. What if I screw up the register? What if I make someones food wrong and/or they get sick? Please, don't get too busy. Then there is the fact that I'm just a socially awkward person anyway and my physical problems...

I'm not a leech, a fraud, or anything that is associated with people who receive government funds. I would give up my monthly check for a weekly one that includes a sense of accomplishment and usefulness in a heartbeat.

Rei~